Friday, July 26, 2013

The Finish Line

It's so close, I can taste it. On Monday I start 3 days of test retakes for my comps class. I have 4 tests to retake & an extra 2 chances just in case. If I pass all my retakes, I just need to pass my finals & that's it. I'll have beaten the gauntlet.

I almost feel like its unreal. How can it be possible that I'm finally down w/ this degree program. That in a few months I might actually have a real degree to my name. That the trust & belief my loved ones have in me wasn't in vain. 

It's an incredible feeling.

Having so much at stake shakes the euphoria from that feeling & leaves anxiety, apprehension & sheer terror. 

Mostly it leaves doubt.

Can I really pass these tests? Can I really pass these finals? Can I really pass the National Board Exam? Can I land an apprenticeship? A job?

Can I really do this?

A classmate & good friend of mine is a proponent of quantum thought. She reminds me before every test that I need to take positive thinking to the next level. That I will pass my test because there is no other option. I will pass it because passing is the only possibility. 

Quantum thought is so hard because even positive thought isn't on my horizon.

But I lack that faith in myself. 

When I was pregnant w/ my daughter I was paralyzed w/ fear regarding the delivery. I was scared of all the complications. I was scared of the havoc birth would wreak on my body. I was scared of the chaos. But when the time finally came, I was peaceful. Quiet. I hesitate to say easy. D's delivery was this way because the Goddess moved through me that day. She stilled my fear & helped me focus. Her hand guided me & made D possible. 

Now, I am scared again. Paralyzed w/ fear. 

I just hope the Goddess will again still my heart & guide my hand.


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