Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Came & Went

I had a minor nervous breakdown last night. There was so much information & I just couldn't seem to retain any of it. I did the best I could, studied as much as possible.

It wasn't enough.

I failed my last test. My last chance at passing the last course standing in the way of my future. I failed.

Not an hour after failing that test (& thus, the course) my failing grade had already been posted to my online transcript. Just in case I wasn't feeling low enough, my instructor felt the need to get in one final jab. One last twist of the knife.

This program isn't designed to uplift it's students but to beat them down. At every turn students are met not with opportunity but with obstacles. Every school has it's requirements, it's prerequisites & demands. Not every school designs a program with curriculum intended for a bachelor's degree but packs it into an associate's program & expects a high success rate. Not every instructor tells you point blank that if you haven't gotten A's not only during your regular course work but on every test within your comps class that you are unlikely to pass your board exam & they consider you a failure.

When I saw that 55% on my test this morning, I ran out of the classroom. Holding back tears, I flew down the stairwell. I threw my bags & jacket into my car, closed the door & let the tears stream down my face. I wept until I felt sick. I had to leave, I had to get out of there. I knocked my car into drive & peeled out. My classmates saw my tires spin, heard my engine rev as I laid the gas pedal on the floor. I couldn't stop myself. I had lost control.

I got it back after spending an hour or so by myself. I realized that I couldn't afford to fail my other classes. I had to suck it up, go back & face my classmates who had witnessed my tantrum. They would quietly judge me while offering platitudes about keeping my head up, trying again next semester, & that they know what I'm going through.

I hate platitudes. They're completely ineffectual.

So I walked into the lounge, opened my binder & stuck in my earbuds. I let Glitch Mob help me to refocus & release some of the negative energy. When I felt like I could actually look people in the eye again, I took out the earbuds & let the world back in.

After a while, I was even able to go up to the office & register to retake comps. I'll be back next semester. I'll be ready next semester. I'll pass every test & come December I will walk across the stage & shake the school's president's hand in front of my loved ones & they will know I'm not a failure.

I won't fail again.

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Finish Line

It's so close, I can taste it. On Monday I start 3 days of test retakes for my comps class. I have 4 tests to retake & an extra 2 chances just in case. If I pass all my retakes, I just need to pass my finals & that's it. I'll have beaten the gauntlet.

I almost feel like its unreal. How can it be possible that I'm finally down w/ this degree program. That in a few months I might actually have a real degree to my name. That the trust & belief my loved ones have in me wasn't in vain. 

It's an incredible feeling.

Having so much at stake shakes the euphoria from that feeling & leaves anxiety, apprehension & sheer terror. 

Mostly it leaves doubt.

Can I really pass these tests? Can I really pass these finals? Can I really pass the National Board Exam? Can I land an apprenticeship? A job?

Can I really do this?

A classmate & good friend of mine is a proponent of quantum thought. She reminds me before every test that I need to take positive thinking to the next level. That I will pass my test because there is no other option. I will pass it because passing is the only possibility. 

Quantum thought is so hard because even positive thought isn't on my horizon.

But I lack that faith in myself. 

When I was pregnant w/ my daughter I was paralyzed w/ fear regarding the delivery. I was scared of all the complications. I was scared of the havoc birth would wreak on my body. I was scared of the chaos. But when the time finally came, I was peaceful. Quiet. I hesitate to say easy. D's delivery was this way because the Goddess moved through me that day. She stilled my fear & helped me focus. Her hand guided me & made D possible. 

Now, I am scared again. Paralyzed w/ fear. 

I just hope the Goddess will again still my heart & guide my hand.