Saturday, June 15, 2013


Reality is kind of a fickle thing, isn't it? I mean, it's subjective. You have what you perceive as reality & I have what I perceive as reality. But the only reality that actually matters is that which belongs to the person perceiving it.

When I vent my stress & anxiety about my struggles this semester to friends & family, I get 100% positive feedback. A lot of 'You can do this!' & 'I believe in you!'s. And that's the reality of the people how give me that feedback. Unfortunately, it's not my reality.

My reality is a multitude of variables crashing down on top of me like a tidal wave. I cannot simply believe in myself because others do. My reality is not that simple.

And although I appreciate all of those people you do believe in me & support me & want the best for me & mine, my reality is working against all those good intentions.

My reality is a class consisting entirely of weekly tests that must be passed w/ an 80%+. Weeks that are failed must later be made up w/ an 85%+. Only 5 weeks can be failed before you fail the class completely. Right now I sit at 3 weeks that I have failed consecutively & I am staring a 4th week in the face. I'm failing because I'm a horrible test-taker. Because it is just too much information for me to absorb & retain. Because I've never done very well scholastically regardless of how intelligent I am. Because there simply isn't enough time in my day to study all of this information & keep up w/ the obligations of family & my other classes.

My reality is not the reality others see in me.

So what do I really want by venting in this manner, on this medium? Not platitudes, certainly. Honesty? Advice? Suggestions? Help to overcome myself? I believe this is what I want but would I take this advice, were it to be offered? I'm not sure.

I am so worried about not making it out now that I've made it so far. So much is riding on my actually finishing this. On my actually accomplishing something of substance. What if I can't do it? What if I don't make it out? I have to return home w/ yet another failed degree attempt on my shoulders. I have to drag along the financial burden of my loan repayments w/out a degree to show for it. W/out a career to pay for it. My family will continue to suffer for my failure.

The easy thing to say is to work harder for it. But what isn't understood is that I am working hard for it. This is the best I can do & my best has never been good enough.

Anxiety & depression are my reality. And I'm not really sure what this post even accomplishes.